Tell a story about yourself. Follow with a random experience or encounter that will make the reader wonder, “Am I still reading TIME?” Try to tell a joke. Fail to tell a joke. Quirky transition. Manage to be both self-deprecating and haughtily superior. Call in the “experts”. This is a good time to remind readers that you know the “experts”. The experts are celebrities. You’re cool now.
State an opinion. This is the only opinion. Attempt at a one-liner. More opinion. Thinly veiled pining for the days of your youth. Attempt to conceal this with disdain for the youth. “My [lovely] wife [Cassandra]”. Another try at a joke. End with a one-liner that is meant to be both funny and resonate with readers.
You’ve done your best.