The 5 Best Survival Techniques (If You’re A Cracked Weird World Article)

I hadn’t previously spent a lot of time reading articles on Cracked.com, but I picked it because I have always been interested in the kind of hilarious and slightly offensive writing that often inadvertently drives popular culture. As challenging as it can be for a non-seasoned writer to capture the satirical essence of a Cracked writer, reading enough of their signature style gives you a pretty good idea of the formula that allows them to churn out enough to keep their readers fat and happy. At the end of the day, they never forget that a well-placed Game of Thrones or Star Wars reference never hurts the cause.

The 5 Best Survival Techniques (If You’re A Cracked Weird World Article) 

The task of populating the dense forest of the Internet with your brilliance is pretty much the same battle the half-man endures every time he faces off against Cersei or another one of his many enemies–a never-ending supply of wit and willingness to ignore the prejudice of any other Internet-dweller that could cross you. Being refreshingly original is one of of our trademarks, and yet we know that’s not enough to keep our heads above water. As a budding Cracked writer, remember that being “refreshingly original” is easiest when you follow these little tips:

  1. Regular weird facts are not enough…it’s your time to dive into the realm of Ripley’s and discover things that the majority of the population never would have even considered to be an issue. Take, for instance, the equally disturbing and hilarious-for-female-superiority-advocates fact that pops up in Cracked’s article about dog breeding: female dogs who attempt to run from their male counterpart immediately after the “breeding process” is complete are more or less capable of ripping his penis off. Some may be familiar with the human equivalent–you know, the one where you basically stick a razor blade up your lady parts and…you get the picture. I guess the next set of lessons in female empowerment has gone to the dogs.
  2. Choose images carefully–they must be simultaneously applicable to the list item at hand as well as containing a caption that brings a subtle new level of weird hilarity to an otherwise serious subject. In this same dog breeding article, when the author addresses the problem of female dogs leaving their men sans genitalia, what really makes the fact pop is a humble picture of a typical canine restraint (known to some as a leash) that is captioned, “Representing one of the few times where BDSM increases sexual safety.” You get the idea.
  3. When in doubt, it helps to start out with a pithy yet highly relatable anecdote about daily life that strikes a nerve with the target audience (spoiler alert: it’s probably women). Take the office housework description at the start of this Cracked article: oddly enough, even if a woman hasn’t been directly in that situation, she somehow feels comfort being placed in the generalization of the pitfalls of her gender. Because being told that you’re quote “unique” is so yesterday.
  4. Get some quotable support from a reliable source, even if it’s not a reliable source. Sounds weird, right? But the truth is you can pretty much caption anyone to sound reliable. Take the Bachelor for instance–the television experts of letting the world know that a bunch of post-plastic surgery Hollywood “waitresses” have more interesting lives than you might think. You know, like that one girl every season who ends up with the title “Dog Lover” or “Chicken Enthusiast.” How can you not take her seriously, amirite?
  5. Even if you can’t think of a fifth fact…nope, doesn’t matter. Four is obviously not enough to capture a reader’s attention, you heathen. Get a grip.

One thought to “The 5 Best Survival Techniques (If You’re A Cracked Weird World Article)”

  1. I really like how you set this blog post up, but making it a check-list of how one would write a cracked.com piece. It’s witty and clever, just like the pieces you are describing seem to be. You’re writing is smart, and you don’t fail to add in some generational and fun language– “amirite?”

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