Over it… for now. (CJ #3)

I’m over it. Over homework, over exams, over school in general. With one month left in my collegiate career, it is much more tempting to go on a walk with friends or even apply for jobs online than it is go to a library and write. I guess senioritis is back in full force and I’m just ready to jump into the real world.

But at the same time, I’m hanging onto everything by a thread. I don’t want to be done with my capstone project, or my exams, or going to classes because that means it’s all over. Life as I know it, life as a student is over. I seriously have SIX pages left in a book because I don’t want to find out how the characters were killed, and I don’t want to be done with it. I almost made it through an entire season in a TV series, but quit halfway through the season finale. Maybe I’m a quitter. Maybe I just like the idea that I can go back to something and it still needs me. Maybe I’m just in denial.

Ironically, my letter of interest for the MiW program was all about “getting stuck” in the writing process. I wrote that I wanted to learn how to get unstuck, and help others get unstuck. I hope I have accomplished the latter goal, though it is apparent in this moment I myself am still in quicksand. I had so much hope for this capstone project, so much that I wanted to put into it. While I think it will shape out the way I want it to this semester, I also must remember that the project itself won’t end at the deadline. I can always pick up my project in the future and push it to the next level. The reason I centered my project on a single made up word (Sonder) was because I’ve had years of fascinating realizations that will continue to occur as I move through life. This may be the first chapter, but it won’t be the last.

8 thoughts to “Over it… for now. (CJ #3)”

  1. Blair,

    I completely understand what you’re going through. Getting to the end of anything is creates an unnatural mixture of relief and dread. Don’t think of it as the end though. Think of it as a time when you can start new things. I too am resistant to change, but I always find that it’s never as bad as it seems. My advice — finish those six pages and go from there!

  2. Blair,

    you seem to be at a crossroads, but what’s life without some indecisiveness or issues?

    You WILL get a job
    You WILL finish the Capstone
    You WILL finish strong and leave your mark

  3. I’ve fallen into a similar back and forth countless times myself, and every time I return to changing my mindset as it seems to overbear everything in life. For me, it’s always nostalgia that plagues the end of anything, good or bad, but reminding myself of the implications of my time, the lessons that come with it, and using that information to better my future all excite me and replace any conflicting emotions.

  4. Hey Blair,

    I am so glad that you have shared your candid thoughts because I am in the same boat as you are! I cannot believe how fast the past 4 years have flown, and graduating is so scary, for I too do not know where will I be after school! I find myself almost every day in denial and trick myself into living each day to the fullest for eating out at the amazing restaurants, watching Netflix, going to the movies and parties sounds all the more fun than sitting in the library doing coursework and assignments! But I completely feel your thoughts that you do not want any of the work to actually end. Such a huge mix of emotions, and very little ways to feel them to the fullest. While I do not have the answer to such mixed emotions, but one way to look about it could be that this isn’t the end of the story, but the end of a chapter, and that you will always have a chance to look back at this chapter!

    Good luck with the rest of the semester and everything ahead! 🙂

  5. Hey Blair,

    I think you nicely expressed the craziness that we are all feeling right now – I am in shock that school is almost over! And, like you, senioritis is hitting me HARD. Even assignments that I usually find to be fun and entertaining are being neglected and forgotten. A quick Google search for ways to get over senioritis generated some interesting results. The one I found to be most helpful, however, is to focus your thoughts on evaluating how far you’ve come.

    Think about all of the hours that you put into your degree and what you have been able to accomplish in that time, it is crazy! You’ve worked incredibly hard over the last three and a half years. Let this be your motivation to finish in the strongest way possible. Head to wherever you write best and devote a few hours to just writing. Putting pen to paper. Getting it done. Have this planned and know that while it might be hard to get to that space, it will eventually happen. And, when it’s all over, you can go back to celebrating these last couple of weeks in an even more fulfilling way. We’re so close! Good luck with the rest of your semester 🙂

  6. I’m seeing this post the night before we have our last capstone class meeting tomorrow and I will say — holy cow, did it go by so fast.

    I like that you talk about getting “unstuck,” because I am literally stuck 1000% of the time. How do you push a project further? How do you delve into a message or idea a little deeper? How do you convey the meaning of something when you’re tired and overworked and overwhelmed, when really, you just want to be done — temporarily, not permanently. And yet here we are, seniors and finishing our last projects.

    You’ve got a great attitude about your project, and about looking forward. I think a lot of us forget that just because we’re done after next week, we don’t have to be “done”. You have such a great mentality, and I think that shines through in your project — it really shows how in tune you are with tough concepts and conflicting feelings, and I applaud you for being able to appreciate and recognize that!

    Excited to see where your project goes, but I’m more excited to see where you go. You’re just getting started 🙂

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