When I first came to the university, I cried when I skipped class for the first time.
I know I was/am not alone in feeling this, but I was so wrapped up in performance as a part of my identity. The thought of missing a class—or even going to the bathroom during class—made me anxious about the information I could possibly miss (which would certainly be on the class exam and thus cause me to fail the class, and by extension, relegate me to a life without a T-14 law school and a happy life).
It challenged the only anchored pillar of my ipseity.
Uncertainty has always been an uneasy experience for me. Having multiple chronic illnesses is college have forced me to continue confronting this reality.
In a lot of ways, my experience with my capstone project has mimicked my tenuous relation with uncertainty. I am lucky to have my writing mostly complete for my capstone (is anyone good at titles, help!), but there remain unanswered questions.
Is my language the correct way to confront these issues? Are my horror elements too superficial? Am I drawing false similarities between contemporary life and the supernatural? Does my project even matter? Am I being too vulnerable in a way that is isolating?
Contributing to my uncertainty is the requirement of a website. I came into the project knowing that my capstone would be housed on a website, but did not give this standard more than a cursory acknowledgement. Now, I am confronted with a piece, full of my hopes and worries, that will almost certainly never measure up to my vision because I do not have the skills (or money) to make a website capable of realizing my vision.
At the surface, maybe this realization this should give me an “out” in some manner, though it does not feel that way. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn how to put my work in the platforms of the age. At the same time, this house does not feel like a home—at least, not yet.
I am trying a new thing: narrowing the scope of my agency within my own project. By limiting what I can be responsible for, I am hoping that I might have some planned accidents!
If anyone has any suggestions, I would be grateful to hear them. Hope everyone is enjoying their last couple weeks with your capstone babies!