Imagine the U.S. is one of those dysfunctional “families” on ‘The Real World.’ Not that I watch the show, but certain staples of pop culture are so pervasive that it’s impossible not to know exactly what’s going on. It’s like the harder I try not to hum Lady Gaga tunes (and all of the other commercial crap for that matter) the more I do. No matter how fervently I boycott the radio, the latest and greatest saccharine song is playing in clothing stores, restaurants, TV commercials, and cars that pass me by… But thank God it’s not THIS bad.
So, t’was my good fortunate that I never had to waste an hour of my life to learn the dynamic behind this old-timer of the reality TV family – a dynamic that thrives upon convention. In every series, there’s the Bad Boy, the Jock, the Nerd, the Loner….. and the Tease (among many other less notable, overpaid archetypes), and it’s no different with the 50 states… especially when it comes to weather.
A visual always helps. Here’s what I mean….
So why is Michigan “the Tease” of the 50 states? It’s March 22nd and it’s 30 degrees. It’s SPRING and there’s SNOW EVERYWHERE. And this time last year? Basically summertime. Yes, my friends, and you will agree, when it comes to climate control, Michigan has none… it just can’t say no to messing around with our emotions. We want blue skies? Nope – it puts out some kind of rain-sleet combination. So the next day, we cleverly don our jackets, and it ends up all clear by noon. See what I mean? Michigan is a total tease.
But what about the other states? I’ve always been a fan of “The Bad Boy,” and in this case, it’s no different. Hands down, Texas is “The Bad Boy” of the Climate Club. Temperatures reach as high as 110 and beyond during the summer months, but THAT I can handle. What I can’t handle? Pushing April in my knee-high Sorels. Ideally, I’d hop the next flight (or even truck bed full of pigs) to California, “The Jock” of the bunch, where the weather every day wakes up and screams, “GET OUTSIDE AND ENJOY THE SUN!” Year round locals can rollerblade. I don’t even rollerblade, but if I could do it year round, maybe I’d start.
At least I’m not stuck with the twisted “Loner” that is Alaska. Who wants to live in a place that spends half the year in the dark and never breaks 65 degrees? It may be a fun spot to cruise through but as far as long-term, I won’t be picking it for my kick ball team. And “The Nerd?” The lame loser? The weather weirdo? OHIO – who’d you think? Yes, I realize that Ohio and Michigan share similar climates…. but it’s Ohio – it’s always the loser, no matter the subject. Why do you think I made the label the ickiest or icky brown colors?
Now I kinda want to go watch “The Breakfast Club,” and from the looks of the weather forecast, I might as well – it’s not like I’m going to be spending any more time outside than I have to.