To Wear A Hat.

I believe in the power of hats.

‘Tis very unfortunate that my head shape is not conducive to effortless hat-wearing, as so many people look lovely today wandering campus with hats perched atop nicely shaped heads. They are fickle things, hats, much like men. Supposedly, a perfect one exists, yet the act of finding it takes more patience than even kindergarten teachers have. Unlike my perfect man, I believe my perfect hat is red, i.e. Claire’s in Elizabethtown, and feels worn and comfortably loved, like those jersey t-shirt sheets. Perhaps it’s knitted. I’m still in the process of finding it. While it is undoubtedly not the Boston Red Sox hat I wore yesterday in an attempt to hide greased hair, I do believe in giving other hats their chance at being my One.

People Who Look Good in Hats:

1. Frank Sinatra

2. My Dad

3. Indiana Jones

4. Frosty the Snowman

5. People with nicely shaped heads.

It’s natural to make the assumption that a Hat Wearer is hiding something, be it a bad haircut, a lack of shower, etc. However, I feel as though The Act of Wearing a Hat requires more thought than that. For example, one must know that on the day chosen to sport a hat, it is likely that hair will refuse to look good once removed. Therefore, one must wear a hat only when they can continue to wear it the majority of the day. Unless, of course, they are blessed with beautiful, voluminous hair, in which case I hate them, kind of.

At the same time, the Hat Wearer must ask: Will I be, at any point, in a church? Will I be subjected to heavy winds that will blow said hat off, revealing matted hair? Will the hat emphasize my big forehead, or mask it? Will this hat make me look masculine, if female, or feminine, if male? Does this hat match my outfit? Does this hat need to match my outfit? If this hat is a fedora, am I aware that I’m potentially channeling Justin Timberlake/Hilary Duff/other pop culture icons? Am I okay with that? If this hat is a top hat, am I aware that I’m channeling A. Lincoln? Am I similarly okay with that? If this hat is a baseball cap, is it supporting a team that I truly support? Does that really matter?

What’s silly is that I seriously consider all these things before wearing a hat. What does this say about me as a person? Don’t answer that.

A last look at hats with our beloved Ingrid, “I knitted you a hat all blue and gold/To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold/It was my first one and it was too small/It didn’t fit you at all, but you wore it just the same.”


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