In my original source I used the second person. It is definitely a tendency I tend to have, especially when writing something to my friends or to an audience that I would categorize as my peers. I took Academic Argumentation last fall and our professor challenged us to use I in academic writing. Although, the second and first person are different, they both are considered more informal and less authoritative. But the implementation of the second person within writing that is attempting to “help others understand better”, especially when one is attempting to make others feel as if they are in someone else’s shoes. It felt like I was fighting the tendency to write you in almost every sentence.
So that has been a challenge, abandoning these personal aspects. Diversity initiatives should be improving the experiences of its minorities. How do you share experiences with others when it’s necessary to avoid words that are innately personal?
On another note, concerning syntax. Starting off sentences with But and Yet and Thus are definitely my go to’s. Even if it doesn’t show in my draft, which it does, I know this. I’ve become lazy with the way in which I contradict, refute, complicate, or condition statements. I also didn’t include any new words. As a sociology major, I have to be conscious of acronyms like PWI, or terms like “discourse” or “social construction”. I don’t think of these words as jargon, because they are used across disciplines in college, although some may be more relevant to sociology than others. I think I attempted to explain concepts that would be subject to the usage of latinate diction and abstract terms, which i have a tendency to use. Vocabulary is definitely something I need to work on, but it will be easier to make these choices when I receive feedback regarding the effectiveness of descriptions and academic evidence.
The original source I was modeling included a lot of quotations, so their syntax and grammar were very dependent on the content and form of the words being quotes. I however, did not have that many quotations because I was not confident in my ability to conduct interviews that didn’t include leading or double-barreled questions. This is something I may consider during my revision process though. Ultimately, I am unhappy with whatever voice my draft has right now and I am not sure I can focus on style and syntax until I make revisions regarding content, because these things are so dependent on what constitutes the meat of one’s argument.