Yes, in case anyone is wondering, I am still stressed, and that stress is still rooted in my hesitation to generate content.
I wouldn’t describe myself as a relaxed person, but I am definitely experiencing stress regarding this project that I find to be unnatural for me. I can’t shake the feeling that there are stakes to producing this work that have the potential to affect both me and people in my community, despite Ray repeatedly telling me not to confuse these perceived “stakes” with feelings of personal guilt. I feel guilty about my role in the process that I am writing about, yet I also feel guilty to be revealing it and to be turning my back on an organization that is a significant part of why I have had such a positive experience at Michigan. In exposing this, I feel guilty, but in keeping it to myself, I feel even guiltier. I can’t win.
I think I just need some affirmation from my current audience: all of you. I think that in order for me to stop being so anxious about generating content, I need to know that you guys won’t criticize me for participating in the actions about which I am writing, and I need to feel confident that you will not discuss them with people outside of this class for the time being. I do think that I will make my project accessible to those outside of this class in time, but I do not feel ready to do that just yet.
And, again, I am probably being dramatic.