Digging for Courage

Creating the experiments so far has been a lot like riding a roller coaster. And by that, I mean sometimes it can be so thrilling & fun I could cry out in joy. Sometimes, I’m unafraid, feeling risky enough to let go, to throw my hands above my head. Other times, I’m despising that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach & I’m thinking “just get me off this thing, I hate it.” Before each ride, I’m filled to the brim with excitement until I’m next in line, ready to embark, saying, “what on earth have I gotten myself into?”

I struggle with the balance of believing I’m being either too ambitious or not ambitious enough. If I don’t take risks here, now, in college when I’m young & stupid & faced with a bottomless pool of opportunities, then I surely won’t do so in the future. Because then I will have truly written myself into a corner, won’t I?

For fear of boxing myself in, this is why I continue on. Continue on with my graphic novel even though I can’t draw. Continue on with my musical number even when every two lines just feels like some cheesy rhyme. Because I care about this work & this subject matter & I want to push it as far as it will go.

I’m actually not quite sure where I go from here- what the next ride will look like. Will there be sweeping, beautiful poetry, moving swiftly like winding corkscrews? Or maybe a photo essay, frozen in time like you are in the sky before plummeting to the ground? I have made no decisions as of yet what I want this next project to look like, but I anticipate, no matter what ends up happening, as long as I push myself, that I won’t regret it.

I know this is quite the mess with all the metaphors, but perhaps metaphors are the best way to mask uncertainty. I’m a second year college student- I’m supposed to pretend like I know what I’m doing, right?

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