Capstone Challenge Journal #2: I’m very tired

Woah the semester is almost over and here I am posting my second challenge journal. Wish I could say I am surprised at my delay but I have to be honest – I’m not. This semester has been…difficult. And as I’ve struggled with writer’s block and finishing all my other course work and trying to find a job (and trying to fit in time to be a person in between all of that) things have fallen to the wayside.

This is unfortunately one of them. My project is – well – it’s happening. More out of necessity and less out of actually agency or motivation. A battle of wills is happening as I sit down and clunk out paragraph after paragraph in between shots of espresso, tears, and breaks for other assignments. I can’t say that whatever it is I’m working on will look like what I imagined at the beginning of this semester but it will exist. Even if I have to stay up every night for the next week and a half to make sure I have something, anything, to present.

My topic of distance I think is what has contributed to the scattering of my thoughts and willpower. It is something I have thought about for years of my life. But that’s just it – writing about is somehow more difficult that ruminating quietly on it in the comfort of my bed as I listen to music and journal. There’s something painful about finishing these narrative pieces which are so close to be and yet somehow so far from my remembrance now. It hurts pulling open these old wounds, and I think that’s why I’ve struggled.

As a sad result of this, even my research has become tainted. I have not completed as much as I wanted to and at this point, I might just have to lean into the narrative aspects of my work and throw some of the research ideas to the wayside. I still have at least 10 pages to write and a website to finish constructing. I’m very tired, you guys. But I’ll finish even if it kills me.

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