Capstone Journal #3: This Hurts Okay

Oh boy. It’s happening. It’s really happening. I may now *actually* be closer to the end of this than the beginning. Good thing I have barely a week to finish, am I right?

Throughout this process I’ve realized that maybe I did something wrong in a past life to deserve being drawn to personal narrative writing. For whatever reason, I can’t stop writing about the painful and embarrassing things that make me human. To be honest, the embarrassing stuff doesn’t really get to me. Since high school, I’ve been alright being brutally open in my writing. Read my diary – I don’t care. But maybe in my old age (hey 23 is kind of old, at least compared to all of you), my skin is getting too soft to write about the painful stuff.

A couple years ago, I took ENG 325. The class taught me a lot, but most importantly, it taught me that I like writing about myself. Which is all fine and dandy but as a young college girl, some of my biggest learning experiences to date have been romantic relationships. Cliche and sad but also true. At the time, I was just coming out of a pretty bad break-up but writing an essay and sharing it with the class actually helped me work through it productively.

In Gateway, I did the same thing. This time, it was a current relationship that I was struggling to wrap my head around. I was in Love, but there were Problems. Gateway helped in a way. At least for the time being. But the cracks that were present before and after started to become more clear as I looked back at the project in the increasingly difficult times that followed in that relationship. Eventually it ended too. But it would serve as the catalyst for this capstone project. The central piece I wanted to write was about this relationship. And I thought like ENG 325 and Gateway it wouldn’t just be easy – it would help me contextualize and work through my own jumbled thoughts.

Clearly I was wrong.

I think I’ve put off finishing for so long because it hurts to write. It hurts me to think about it. I’m over it of course. I even am dating someone new. But maybe that’s why it hurts. There’s genuinely no animosity between me and this ex boy. I don’t want him to hurt by seeing this project somewhere, and I don’t want to hurt for writing. And I definitely don’t want new boy (sorry guys for any confusion I’m sure this is causing) to see this project and hurt too.

But that’s the cross I’ve come to bear as a personal narrative writer I guess. I have to be willing to write through the pain. To stop being so concerned about hurting people and especially about hurting myself. I’m certain that I’ll feel better at the end of this Capstone journey. The relief I felt at the end of ENG 325 and Gateway are proof of that possibility. But for the time being, I can’t stop tearing up every time I sit down to write. It’s making me even more tired than I am naturally.

I’m scared for any of you to read this. But I think by journaling about it, I may be able to finally push past this hurt. At least, I hope so.

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